i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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