you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
