I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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