I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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