my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I think my moral compass just broke
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
