Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
