I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
