but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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