Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
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