I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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