Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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