Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
