I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
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She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
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I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
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