I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
