i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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