Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
