I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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