I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I could make wine with my vomit
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
