Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Randomize
