I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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