what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
