I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
