Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
