to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
