I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
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Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
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Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
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