glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
