So drunk its hurt
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
