He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
