I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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