i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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