He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
we're chasing vodka with high fives
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize