Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i will never coherently bang her
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
