we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
