i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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