I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
