I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Mom said you looked used
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
