Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Randomize
