I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
