I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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