I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
