turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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