my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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