I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
