Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
