"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
