So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
