I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
