I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
