FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
