"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
