Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Randomize
