I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
