Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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