Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
