Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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