Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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