Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I had to cum in my sink.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
