I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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