Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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