I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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