I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
