new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
