It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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