I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
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