i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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