tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
